Friday, August 1, 2008

The Mummy has arisen!

...And he smelled like feet wrapped in leathery burnt bacon.

Seriously folks. This one was a stinker. I mean not like Mr. Balrog bowels stink... but stink nonetheless. This movie was completely and horribly aweful. My wife and I wondered why Rachel Weisz didn't return to play the Mrs. O'Connell character, but 10 minutes in... nay 5... it was obviousy that Ms Weisz no doubt had read the script and politely fled in terror. Of course Brendon "George of the Jungle" Fraser will play any role that pays money so no surprise there.

Now the first two Mummy movies of this particular series I thought were passable as fun loving popcorn flicks. Yeah they were sort of Indiana Jones wannabes, but even in that they sort of poked fun at themselves in the process for even trying. This movie was not even in the low range of mediocre popcorn action movies. The plot was so forced and illconceived it made me slightly ill... the jokes were just a bit below the level of George Lucas and his "I'm beside myself" or "what a drag" C3P0 lines from the prequals... no they were even below that. Let me put it in terms you can understand; A Yeti kicks an enemy through two pillars and a second Yeti gives the two arms up "extra point" football sign. Holy freaking crap it was bad. I can't believe I payed $10 a ticket OR that I stayed until it was over. I kept hoping that something... maybe a cool Jet Li fight sequence... perhaps some really clever bit of CGI... ANYTHING would offer even the slightest redeeming quality to this should-have-been-straight-to-DVD-then-to-the-garbage-can piece of crap. If you think I am over reacting, go watch the movie for yourself. Ya know I wouldn't even say this movie is worth a Red Box $1 rental. Maybe kids under the age of 10 would think it funny or like the three headed dragon that the Chinese Emporer mummy for no apparent reason could turn into. I'd better just stop. I am just trying to persuade as many friends and loved ones as I can to not subject themselves to this experience.



The Angry Coder said...

It seems a bit odd to me that after arriving home from your ver-special-date, you blog. Was there literally nothing better to do? I can empathise being irate and I want to give you props for warning us to save our hard earned cash... well, cash at any rate... Hopefully this was just something you did while, you- er, uhm... were waiting for something better to do.

Ben said...

Message received. I was never a big fan of the other two and I think I'll just stay in that place.

The Irascible Neufonzola said...

Ha, I remember watching the first one and hating it vehemently. Of course, that could have had to do with me going with a large group from church to a drive-in movie, and then managing to pick the wrong movie, with my future wife (we were not dating at the time) watching one of the other movies. Doh! Smooth move, Neufonzola.

On second thought, no, it really was that bad. I seem to remember something about scarab beetles, and an overall sense of Indiana Jones without the timeless style and a type of what the French would call if they spoke English, "I don't know what".

The Unabashed Blogger said...

Coder- Obviously the movie ruined the entire night for both of them.

I think that's all I should say about that.

Anonymous said...

They make pills for that.