Monday, April 6, 2009

His name... is Crentist.

So I went to a new dentist this morning... by the way Monday mornings are quite bad enough without scheduling a dentist appointment at the front of them. I will have to speak with my secretary about that. ANYWAY as I was saying, I went to a new dentist. His name was actually not Crentist but as that is a reference to one of my favorite The Office episodes ('The Coup' if anyone is curious) I couldn't resist the post title. It was a nice office in the Transamerica building downtown on 11th and Main. Upon arrival I sat down in the waiting room and filled out all the new patient stuff that new patients are required to sit down in the waiting room and fill out upon arrival and then was led back to the 'chair'. The first weird thing was that I was looking out a large window at the side of another office building with several large windows... any one of which could have contained some sick voyeuristic sadist who enjoyed watching people in the Dentist chair. This thought in fact provided some mental distraction, albeit oddly uncomfortable distraction, from the inherent unpleasantness of having to sit in a Dental chair for any length of time. It has been a few years since I went to the Dentist but I am I think at least above average in terms of brushing and flossing consistency, at least according to the statistics I assume exist which show me to be just slightly above average in said terms. I don't have the time or inclination to fact check the statistics I have already assumed but they are probably about right. Anyway the nice young lady who scraped my teeth clean didn't seem too put out by the duration of the task. I often wonder if dental hygienists ever pretend they are paleontologists out in the middle of Montana on a dig and they are carefully scraping rock away from the fossil remains of some prehistoric beast from Earth's past. I bet some do... more likely the ones who dislike their jobs and need a good escape. Of course that fantasy is somewhat self limiting in terms of replayability. Maybe the dinosaur species could change from patient to patient...

I'm sorry I keep getting side tracked. What I really wanted to comment on was the fact that this Dentist office was really picture happy. We are talking about a severe photographic fetish (would that be called a homophonic alliteration?) Let's catalog the image reproduction that occurred between my arrival and my departure:

1. Four sets of bitewing teeth X-Rays (the ones where they stick 6" square pieces of cardboard in your mouth and then tell you to bite it.)

2. A full head X-Ray (This is where you stand still as a device circles your head and irradiates you from 360 degrees.)

[X-rays finished, now she pulls out a big digital camera]

3. Smile... head shot.

4. Big cheesy smile... extreme closeup.

5. Stick these plastic forms into your mouth which connect to your cheeks to spread everything out and then smile... this was the 'make your mouth look like a zombie skeleton' pic... we got this one from 4 angles.

6. Now stick this 3" mirror into your mouth and down your throat until just before you puke... Oh still with the plastic forms spreading everything. This one we got from the top and bottom angle and had a mid-photo-shoot break to wipe drool from the mirror.

At that point I was afraid they were going to ask me to try on different outfits and stand in front of various backdrops. Seriously what the hell was that all about?? I've honestly never had a dentist do more than the bitewing X-Rays before. Now I feel you've read enough to sufficiently empathize with my Monday morning. My only consolation was that I picked up a new bag of Ethiopian Sidamo from the local Kolsto coffee roastery which I shall get to enjoy tomorrow morning. Good day!


The Unabashed Blogger said...

They just want you to make you are getting your money's digital pictures...

OR maybe they are worse than you think and are doing this for some bizarre before and after dentist contest.

OR maybe they are in the "Make your patient look as idiotic as possble" contest.

Either way, I think you're golden for a 1st place prize.

Percussivity said...

You could be right... that picture in the post was one they took of me right before leaving. At least I got to keep one of the pictures.

A Pilgrim's Porridge said...

You don't know it but these are KGB investigators who have discovered that at birth DaVinci Code records concerning Armageddon and the anti-Christ's reign were implanted into your head by an ancient order of monks.

Now they have all of that important information and you just walked into their trap like a sucker.

Now what are you going to do? Are you just gonna sit there and complain about your Monday or are you and Nic going to get assault rifles and go after those guys? Christianity and McDonalds depend on it. So do you accept the challenge?

Percussivity said...

Well... ummm. I do have a follow-up visit for a filling in a couple weeks.

The Irascible Neufonzola said...

Can I just get assault rifles, full stop?

Crentist, huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.

Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Probably my favorite episode as well. Also includes Call of Duty!

"Sniper rif....JIM!!! You don't snipe in Carentan!!"